Category Archives: Fails
MY KINGDOM FOR A NECKLACE CLASP THAT DOESN’T FALL.
I didn’t expect this conversation this morning.
Well I certainly didn’t expect my morning with Owen to include the reveal that Santa is not real. 😳😢💔
I’ve known it’s been coming for a while and I’ve managed to keep pushing it off…and although you know the day will come and you can kind of prepare yourself for it…you are never really ready and I’m sure I didn’t handle it as well as I could have.
I did go over some major points that I had ready (Santa is the spirit of Christmas, he can be a Santa now, etc.) but he wasn’t having ANY of it and he was PISSED. 😭 There were a few tears and throwing things…and saying we lied to him for 10 years and he’s a stupid kid for believing us and that he was disappointed in us. 😭 (P.S. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were included in this bargain of a conversation as well.)
I then had to talk him down from wanting to tell everyone (including Katie) and thankfully 45 minutes later by the time he left for school he was laughing about it and excited about being a Santa this year.
(The best news is that after school he seemed to be really okay and was even shopping for secret Santa gifts for Katie when we were out running errands that night (without her).)
But still, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here crying in my margarita because my kid is really growing up and I hate to think about it. And I’ll also be silently cursing the mean kids who ruined it for Owen (apparently) last year. 🤬
Garbage fail.
When you hand your son the garbage basket and ask him to take it out and he dumps it straight into the big garbage bin instead of taking the bag out and tying it.
All around Halloween costume fail.
When you know you have a costume for your kid in the closet (that you bought at a resale shop last year) so you don’t worry about a costume this year and then you get it out and realize it’s a kid’s medium and you thought it was a men’s medium (because the picture on the package showed an adult plus the cardboard insert was folded so you couldn’t see the checked size box) and the tag just says Medium so now you have to buy or find a costume at the last minute (yes, this is last minute for me).
So you search Amazon and there really are no good kids costumes in the size he needs and men’s costumes are hella expensive so you end up spending $30 on a costume for him that is passable. Stay tuned.
Tis a sad day on two accounts.
One? Two pairs of my sandals were so old they disintegrated when Owen tried them on and walked in them. (To their credit they were 15-20 years old.)
Two? Yes, I am handing shoes down to my 10yo son. 🤯
This is Owen “done” unloading the dishwasher.
He claimed they were still dirty and needed to be re-washed. (Only one bowl seen in the photo needed to be washed again.) I’m guessing he was just being lazy (aka a kid) and didn’t want to touch the rest. We’ve only gone over this stuff 14 times.
Parenting is exhausting.
This is what the laundry room floor looks like when kids do laundry.
Yes let’s just leave the laundry basket right there. And don’t pick up any pieces that missed getting in the washer or making the transfer to the dryer. 🤦🏻♀️
Oh! And of course clothes are always left in the washer.
The struggle is real.
This is what I walked in to see after everyone had left for school.
REALLY?! I guess at least the milk was put away but c’mon. We go over this practically every damn day. Take care of your stuff. Put your cereal bowl in the dishwasher or the sink. Put the cereal in the Tupperware. Finish something and don’t skip steps.
Want to know how to make a grown woman cry?
Get into the shower this morning and realize my cleanser is open AND upside down, then looking down on the shower floor and seeing two huge puddles of cleanser. 😳😭
You can bet your ass I quickly scooped up as much as I could and put it back into the container…but I probably still lost a month’s worth. 😭😭😭
SO YOUR BONUS TIP OF THE DAY IS TO MAKE SURE YOUR CLEANSER IS STORED CAP UP. Just in case the flip top hits something just right and pops open.
Sidenote: Also, because I am me, my immediate second thought was I wanted to take a picture of it to make a tip graphic for my business…but I was literally naked in the shower. So I didn’t.
This is not where that should go.
This is the stuff about parenting no one warns you about that makes me insane. Owen seems to think that’s how you throw away a rollerblade box. In the bathroom, not broken down, on top of the basket. With all the other bathroom garbage on the floor surrounding it. 🤬
Yes I guess it’s still in the garbage. But we’ve been trying to work with him on doing the right thing the first time…and this is not that.
When you go to take your makeup off and find the mascara you forgot to put on today.
It’s in water because they’re both getting near the end and drying out a bit, so putting them in hot water for a few minutes (while I do the rest of my makeup) makes them a bit smoother to apply. Some people stick them under their arms or in their cleavage…
Six Flags, y’all.
So we decided to bring the kids today as a special treat and they were super duper excited but—as honestly expected—they didn’t want to go on one damn ride. So Tom walked around with them and I went on rides by my damn self. (I had to put my hair up because I knew it would get crazy on the rides.)
No waiting was the theme of the day. The first ride wasn’t even full. (When I posted this on Facebook, a few friends thought it said margarita hangover which I think is a much better name.)
None of the trains were even full.
This was the perfect day for this. You could literally walk up to most any ride and get right on. NO WAIT. Lather, rinse, repeat as often as you want to. Of course it would’ve been even better had I been able to ride with Tom. (And technically, we could have left the kids while we rode it—especially since there was really no wait—but I’m pretty sure Tom is an old fuddy duddy at this point and doesn’t really want to go on them anyway.)
I’ve started to lose count of all the rides that I’ve been on. But I have taken pictures. And I know my favorites. This is not one.
This. This was my favorite. New. Steel. Smooth as silk. Twists, turns, loops. It was a thing of beauty.
And then I finally caught up to where they had stopped to wait for a ride. This was the one that they decided they would go on. I’m so glad I spent $70 on a season pass for each of them for this. Granted, they did go on it about five times each…
I went on one more while we waited for them.
So, this teacup-style ride was one I was looking forward to because Owen and Katie had both gone on it before, they liked it, and said they would go on it again. Guess who decided they didn’t want to go on it?
So the only other ride that both of the kids agreed to go on? The carousel. HOW ARE THESE MY KIDS?! At least I know we’ll save money next year because there’s no way in hell I’m getting season passes again.
Noooooo!!! Dammit.
When you rarely need a sitter so you don’t even realize that your only sitter (that the kids actually love and beg to come over) has graduated and is now going to college out of state… 🤦🏻♀️😫😭
Room cleaning drama, day 1!
Unfortunately it was back to normal life post-vacation so it was time for the kids to clean their rooms. So I told them they had to clean their rooms. Multiple times. They couldn’t concentrate for more than a few minutes before stopping to play or getting otherwise sidetracked. I started to lose my mind.
👩🏻 You guys have to clean your rooms.
👫 …
An hour later.
👩🏻 You guys have to clean your rooms and Katie remember you wanted to finish your library reading to earn the prize.
👫 …
An hour later.
👩🏻 You guys need to finish your rooms. Katie you have to read that book.
👫…
Katie: Can I have a snack?
Owen: Can we go to the pool?
Katie: Can I go to Sophia’s?
Owen: Can we have the dots in our rooms?
👩🏻: 😳🤯🤬 You do understand that I’ve been asking you to do the same thing all day right? And you haven’t done any of it yet?
Katie reads for 5 minutes and Owen reads for 10. They go back to playing.
👩🏻 Hey guys, take a quick sweep around and pick up everything that’s yours and put it away.
👫 (They pick up one or two things and go back to playing.)
Lather, rinse, repeat three times. I warn them that the garbage will be the next stop. This is NOT a new thing.
Guess all the shit I threw away? Shoes, notebooks with drawings, water balloons, Legos, stuffed animals, beads, figurines…
I’m currently waiting for hell to break out when they discover it.
So, accountability time, folks.
Remember me saying I was trying to lose weight…again? Well, things went SMASHINGLY well for 2+ weeks and I lost almost 20# (I think it was 17). YES, THAT MUCH. I was feeling motivated. I was being strong. I was surviving without margaritas. I knew I could do it.
And then.
A minor slip up—one drink with a friend to celebrate a reunion. And then another minor slip up—an extra piece of pizza at my kids’ birthday pool party that I ate without even thinking. And then honestly I kind of lost track after that because…summer, friends, BBQs, late nights, kids being away, vacation, etc. And I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was so I gained 16 of those 17 back and could just kick myself.
This Monday I was back at it again. Because I know I can do this. I have to do this. I worked too hard the first time around to let myself slip farther.
I’m down a few so far this week. It’s better than going up so I’m thrilled. Now I only have *cough*grumble*cough* more to go. 😂
Who wants to be my accountability buddy since this crazy kid is a good walking partner but not much help otherwise…?! 😂
Sidenote: Owen and I might have the same size shoes!
I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.
When you wake up with a screaming back and a 2-mile walk doesn’t help, you end up on the floor trying to remember the stretches your physical therapist showed you three months ago because you haven’t been doing them daily like you’re supposed to. 🤦🏻♀️
I’ve had a bad back for many years (not helped by being obese for most of those) and while losing weight did help, it wasn’t a cure-all. I try to be careful, but once you reach a certain point in your life, you could throw your back out rolling over in bed, putting your wet hair in a towel, or putting your socks on (true stories). All I know is I am never shoveling snow again–never ever ever, even if it’s just for 30 seconds. 😒❄️
Tell me how you’ve managed to injure yourself in a simple everyday way so we can commiserate.
A family adventure to the Milwaukee zoo!
Tom took some time off (the days he previously asked for for the family vacation that I screwed up) and we decided to go to the zoo!
The Lego dinosaur exhibit! (For an extra $3pp of course!)
This was life size! It was like 5′ long!
Also life size!
If you look closely in the foreground you’ll see a bloody stump of a leg.
Cool Lego ferns in stone.
It was really hard to get me and the dino in the same lighting to see us both, so here are two versions.
Katie could fit inside one dino footprint.
Dino family!
Katie always wants to get her face painted so we finally agreed.
So then we offered it to Owen but he opted for a tattoo!
So while the kids were getting this done, we decided to grab a snack—so Tom walked to get himself a beer and some loaded fries for us to share. Well, then we came upon more food, so the kids had to make a decision because they were sharing it.
And then we walked some more and HOLY SHIT BEER ON TAP?! Then Tom had to make a decision. 😂
He opted for the Coconut Porter and got me an adult root beer float.
And it was right next door to Ooz, and now the kids wanted food, so… Katie got mac and cheese, Owen got BBQ pork mac and cheese, and we all shared some cheese curds.
Wording gets me.
Full of cheese…
And then we walked past a caricature booth and I decided we had to do it. Tom and I had one done probably 20 years ago and I’ve been wanting to do one with the kids but it’s expensive (like $15 per head). But we decided since we were splurging, why not?
So Tom and I sat down and we obviously couldn’t see what she was doing but she was drawing away. So 15 minutes later when it was time to switch to the kids and we saw what she was drawing…we both looked at each other like (pardon the language but it’s fully deserved) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! (I’ve photoshopped it a bit to make sure you can see her drawings.)
On what planet is that a caricature?! Was she serious? Were we on candid camera? Were we being punked? That thing was hideous. So Tom and I were talking quietly about what we were going to do and I said I was definitely NOT paying for it, but of course it would be awkward to say something. We let her go a few more minutes but then I just told her to stop because that was NOT a caricature and it was NOT what we wanted and we would NOT be paying for it. She was kind of surprised and tried to tell us that it would look different after she put color on it. Sorry, no. We figure maybe she was a face painter (the booth did both) but we were just aghast that she thought what she was doing was fine.
So that was a huge waste of time and a big disappointment because I had really wanted one. There were other booths that we had passed but didn’t want to go back and find one. And I am still debating emailing them to let them know about her pathetic attempt.
The zebras cracked me up. They had a huge enclosure but they were waiting at the door—so we guessed that’s how they got fed. I thought they looked like Maggie or the cats waiting for us to feed them. We probably watched them for five minutes and they just stood there waiting.
There’s always money in the banana stand! (Confused?)
And then we let the kids play in the farm area playground and then we were on our way home. We did see animals but they didn’t do anything exciting so no pictures. 😄
Escape artists!
So we originally were going to have the lobster for dinner Saturday night, so I just threw the bag in the garage fridge and didn’t think about it. Fast forward to a change of plans and we weren’t going to eat them Saturday night but we still needed to get in that fridge. Imagine Tom’s surprise when he opened the door and the lobsters were trying to escape! They had made it out of the (untied) bag and were in the door compartment!
Behind the scenes of selfies
Sometimes it’s just too bright to keep your eyes open for a selfie and you don’t know it until you come inside to look at them. 😂 I figured you’d all get a laugh out of this.
How long would you last?
So I finally just decided to get these photos up on the wall after two years. They were on the floor of our bedroom leaning against a wall for about a year…and then they got moved to the MBR closet…and then the hallway and then another hallway. 😂 I finally had enough…and I didn’t really plan or measure. 🤦🏻♀️ I’m not sure I’ll be able to stand it for the next two years…
Just look at Owen’s lunch today.
So Owen is really great getting ready in the morning. He gets up on his own, showers, eats breakfast, and packs his lunch. I always have lunch stuff available like fruit, cheese, lunchmeat, and there’s always PB&J. They also have access to candy and know they can or a piece or two in their lunch every day.
Well this morning Katie discovered that Owen forgot his lunch. Out of curiosity I opened it.
ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME?! A handful of grapes and half a lunchbox of Easter candy?!
Yes he’s just being a kid, but now it makes me wonder what all his other lunches have been like and if I can trust him going forward.
Kids.
Just not duplicatable.
When you try to duplicate a friend’s signature selfie smirk and you fail miserably but it’s still kinda cute. 😂
FAIL:
FAIL:
She shows you how it’s done!
Today’s life tip brought to you by me and Lake County 911.
Guys, you should really learn what cell phone button presses set off the emergency contact/911 sequence. (FYI, for iPhones you rapidly press the top or side button five times.)
I had my phone wrapped in my leggings waistband and wanted to turn the volume down without unwrapping it… Nothing was happening and then I heard a weird loud noise I’d never heard. I quickly unwrapped my phone to see my phone dialing 911. I hung up (wasn’t sure if it had connected yet) and then had to stop my phone from dialing my emergency contacts.
THEN I had to answer a callback from Lake County 911 checking if everything was okay.
I explained what had happened and told her I was mortified. 😣 They were nice about it.
Upshot? Lake County 911 is on the ball.
THE LESSON I LEARNED TODAY
Just don’t ever shovel. EVER. I wanted to get the slush off the end of the driveway. I was out there for like five minutes. Picked up like three shovels of slush. Really hurt my back. Like can barely walk. #neveragain #ihatewinter
Oh and yes, I know the “right” way to shovel…I was just stupid and didn’t think five minutes would hurt.
Apparently not a Whovian.
Someone at the Costco gas station just asked Tom what was up with the cheese grater. 😂
When the flue sticks shut and we didn’t quite notice in time.
We were really surprised at how quickly the smoke filled up the house. But we now know the smoke detectors work!!
It’s been a daily part of my life for the last 8 years.
The rollercoaster of emotions when you find out one of your favorite small forums is shutting down.
Owen finally broke me today.
We’re moving him to the guest room (half the size) and he’s losing half of his stuff. He’s had at least three warnings over the past six months yet he was surprised I was serious and he wanted more chances. Sorry, no. Mom doesn’t play. ESPECIALLY after the events of the day.
Background:
His room is always a disaster. I only ask that every so often it gets picked up so I don’t have to pole vault to walk in—laundry in baskets, legos picked up, etc. But his laundry is from one end to the other (under the bed, in the closet, in toy bins, etc.) and I am tired of getting clean clothes in the dirty laundry. Things get shoved every place imaginable and he can never find anything. Yes I know this is mostly typical kid stuff, but he gives us unbelievable attitude when we ask that he do something as simple as gather laundry. I’ve gone in with him multiple times (as has Grannie) to clean and organize and he always whines and moans and complains…but agrees to keep it clean. We told him when we moved in he got the big room so he had room for him and Katie (and friends) to play but with his room always a mess, no one can play in there. And he won’t pick it up. So he’s been warned multiple times that if he can’t keep it REMOTELY picked up, he will be losing stuff and moving to the smaller guest bedroom.
So…I’ve spent the last two hours in his room just going through and throwing shit away and sorting stuff to keep and give away. He will be starting with a very small selection of books and a handful of Legos and Pokémon cards. If he can keep his room (somewhat) clean, he’ll earn back more.
#HappyF’ingNewYear #WorstNYEyet #NowMyBackHurts #TimeForMargaritas
Owen broke the wall.
The kids were being loud playing upstairs then we heard a really loud THUNK and soon Miss Tattletale was running down to us to tell us Owen put a hole in the wall. Okay, whatever, let me go see.
HOLY SHIT.
Yeah…. He was doing gymnastic front rolls in the tiny hallway space upstairs and managed to kick his heel through the wall.
This was after a stressful morning during which both kids were amazingly annoying.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.