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Category Archives: Thoughts

It’s time again.

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So, over the past two years, I’ve been slowly gaining back all the weight I lost. At first it was just a few pounds and it was okay. Then it was 10# and I thought “Yeah, this sucks, but it’s still not too bad.” At this point, I refuse to say how much I’ve gained back, but I will say I haven’t gained back all of it.

So it’s been extremely depressing, but I know it’s my own damn fault because I’m eating too much and not exercising. I just don’t seem to have any self-control lately…over the past year, I’ve probably tried 4-5 times to start being good again, and it lasts anywhere from a day to a week and then it’s back to the bad habits. It doesn’t help that there’s always crap at work and it’s really easy to snack and whatnot. And of course, the upcoming holiday season is not going to make it any easier.

But something has to be done.

I hate (HATE!) going into the closet and it taking forever to find something to wear because nothing fits. All my loose clothes are now tight and I don’t like how anything looks. I liked it SO much better when I could just go in and grab anything and not having to worry if it fits or if it looks good… The sad thing is that I have an entirely new wardrobe waiting for me if I lose 20# (and many pieces I can wear with just a 10# loss, and many more I can wear with a 20+ loss).

Wish me luck.

Clinic Update

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So I just called (had to wait for my boss to leave the office) and once the nurse knew who I was, she apologized profusely. I basically asked her “What now? Do I need to worry about anything? Do I need to be more careful? Do I need to take drugs? Do I need medical attention?” And she asked my symptoms again, how long I had bled before, etc., then put me on hold to talk to a doctor.

She came back to say that I should be fine. If anything strange happens, or I get a high fever, or if I have more bleeding, come straight in…otherwise, I should be fine. Also, it is recommended we wait three months before trying… I honestly didn’t think of asking about trying before that limit…my mind was swirling as it was. (But needless to say if we wait three months, it’s not going to happen at all.)

She did say if I need ANYTHING else, do not hesitate to contact her. I said “Okay, I do have another small thing then” and proceeded to tell her I was on antibiotics (for something else entirely) and now had a yeast infection (“On top of everything else?!” she exclaimed. Yes, I told her. What fun, eh?) so she said she would have a scrip ready for me by 5.

Since hindsight is 20/20, I should have asked if she thought it was an actual miscarriage or something else (chemical pregnancy, etc.) but of course I didn’t think of it at the time because I was just so thrilled to be talking to someone and hearing reassuring words.

So, now the question is….do we keep trying because he’s going to be gone…or do we stick with the doctor-recommended wait time (which will evolve into 15 months)?

@#%$ Clinic

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Okay, I have to tell you I am at my @#%$ limit with the clinic here.

They told me to come in for bloodwork last week so I did. When I was there, they confirmed I would not get the results because I had to come back for the second day of bloodwork to see if my hormone levels were increasing or decreasing. She said I could find out the results, but they really wouldn’t mean anything until we had the second set to compare them with. Okay, fine.

So I go in this morning and they have no idea why I’m there. I refresh their memory. Oh, okay, we have to find the order for the bloodwork. Fine. So they finally call me in and as the one lady is preparing to draw my blood, the other lady sees me and says “Why are you here? Didn’t they call you with the results?”

What?

NO, I told her, YOU told me there was no point in knowing the results because we had to do more bloodwork. AND no one called me regardless. She says “Well your results were negative.” So she brings over the results and my hormone level was <5 which is negative. So, she says, “Since you had a negative urine and a negative blood…” Okay, so I say “Well can I talk to someone? I mean, am I okay? Do I need to do anything?” She says “You can go talk to the nurse.” FINE. I’m a little pissed, but figure it’s not HER fault.

So I go to the front desk and ask to talk to the nurse. The lady is snippy and says “Why do you need to talk to her?” That hit my button so I have to admit I snapped a bit and told her “Because I was pregnant and now I’m not and I’d really like to talk to someone for two minutes about it.” I was told to have a seat.

So I waited for 20 minutes and no one ever called me or came over. I was already late for work so just left.

I got back to the office and I was livid. I called Tom to tell him what had happened and I was just about bawling. Thank god no one was in the office yet. He got the clinic phone number from me and was going to call them.

WHAT THE @#%$? I’m glad having a @#%$ miscarriage (or if it wasn’t a miscarriage, whatever @#%$ issue I have) is so @#%$ inconsequential to them that they can’t even @#%$ get someone to talk to me for two minutes, even just to reassure me everything is fine and I should have no issues in the future.

So as I was just sitting here, @#%$ pissed and writing this post, Tom called back saying he had just gotten off the phone with them and they were EXTREMELY APOLOGETIC. Apparently, no one communicated with each other, and no one told the head nurse that I was there or had been in, because she was EXPECTING ME! She said she was going to have a meeting with the entire staff regarding this situation so it wouldn’t happen again.

After I calm down, I will call her to have the two-minute conversation I should have had at the clinic (unless she calls me first which I’m somehow doubting will happen).

Everything happens for a reason, right?

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Well, I just got the results back from the clinic: negative. I said “So what do we do now [since I had a postive test three weeks ago]?” They said they had to call me back. After the longest half hour of my life, they called me back and said to come in for bloodwork. So…I just got back from getting blood drawn—and unfortunately, I won’t know anything until next week after the second draw so they can compare the two results to see if the pregnancy hormone is increasing or decreasing.

God, this just sucks.

I know whatever is meant to be will be and everything happens for a reason, but I have to say I’m more than a little depressed at the moment. On one hand, it’s a HUGE relief, as I did not want to do this alone. But on the other hand, we were getting really excited about it…as were our parents, of course. (I knew there was a reason we didn’t tell everyone—but at this point, I feel bad having told our parents for no reason.)

Of course, it’s not 100% definitive yet, but I’m going with women’s intuition on this one. That said, if it is truly negative, everything will be put on hold until he returns in January 2008…and this blog wlil cease to exist until then.

Am I still pregnant?

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Well, this is interesting…and possibly depressing. šŸ™

So Tom and I were talking last night about how I haven’t been sick at all—and while that’s great for me (and while rare, it does happen), it sort of sucks because that would be one way to really know I was pregnant.

Wait, you say, but you got a positive test result at home AND at the doctor’s office. Well, yes, that’s true…but I just can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t quite right. I know, the spotting could all be normal, but it really did freak me out. So we decided just for the hell of it that I would take another pregnancy test. After all, I had one left that was just sitting there.

So I just took it and…not pregnant. Wait, what? Yep, NOT PREGNANT.

On one hand, it confirms my/our suspicions and would actually be for the better (due to our all-around situation right now)…but of course it is also somewhat disappointing, just because we’ve been waiting so long and, of course, have gotten excited (even though our situation isn’t perfect).

I did some quick research and it appears that it could be/have been a chemical pregnancy:

Unless you are testing early, most women may not even be aware that they were pregnant as a chemical pregnancy will often end before any physical pregnancy symptoms manifest (including a missed period). With a very sensitive pregnancy test, it is possible to receive a positive result—and then later test negative if the woman experiences a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy).

Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.

A chemical pregnancy means implantation takes place (hCG is produced for a short time) followed by a miscarriage (generally, before any other pregnancy symptoms or signs are noticeable). Chemical pregnancies are quite common and typically only detected by couples who are actively trying to conceive and test for pregnancy on a regular basis. They occur very early—and the pregnancy ends very soon after impantation.

So the more I read about it, the more I’m thinking that’s what has happened.

Final answer? Although I will go back to the doctor’s office next week for a blood test, I’m going with women’s intuition and google research and saying I’m really not pregnant anymore.

The Sarcastic Journalist

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One of the pregnancy sites I’ve been visiting is hilarious—in fact, they’re the site where I picked up the pregnancy ticker/timeline at the top of the blog. Anyway, there’s a column (entry) written for every week of pregnancy, and this one in particular struck a chord—it’s from Week 5, the first week I started reading (before backtracking):

After getting over the initial ā€œIā€™m having a baby!ā€ shock, we began to spread the news. Of course, people asked how I was feeling.ā€œNervous,ā€ Iā€™d tell them. ā€œFreaked.ā€

ā€œIf you are freaked then why are you having another baby? Why try if youā€™re going to be scared by the results?ā€

Might I add, at this point, that everyone who said that to me didnā€™t have kids.

The decision to have a baby is a lot like the decision to move to France. France sounds cool, other people like France. It would be fun to move to France!

Then you buy the plane ticket and France starts to seem a little scary.

Youā€™ll have to learn a new language! They eat snails! Didnā€™t someone once tell you that people in France donā€™t shower that often?

Come to think of it, moving to France and having a baby have a lot in common.

I laughed out loud when I read this. I especially liked “France sounds cool, other people like France. It would be fun to move to France! Then you buy the plane ticket and France starts to seem a little scary.” That is SO how I’m feeling right now. It’s cool and fun to be pregnant and think about having a child…but it’s also scary as hell.

At a baby shower…

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So today I went to a baby shower for a neighbor’s child (long story, LOL, but I say child because she is 18 or 19). What was funny is that the neighbors that were there were teasing me about getting pregnant (they know we are trying). That said, the single hardest thing for me during the entire event was not telling them I was pregnant, as they kept making comments like “We need to have another baby shower….” and “Gee, when can we have another shower….?” and “I wonder when we can have another shower…” I even joked that maybe we could have a Margarita Pre-Shower because I wanted to DRINK at this get-together (and we all like margaritas)! I can’t wait to tell them that I was pregnant at the time we were talking about it!

“Pregnant”

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Holy shit.

Proof!

Well, Clearblue Easy says I’m pregnant. I don’t think I’ve stopped shaking quite yet. (And yes, I told hubby first!)

Well, what I’ve been saying for the past two years is true (as soon as we find out for sure that he’s deploying will be the time I find out I’m pregnant) and what others have been telling me is true (as soon as one of you gets tested, you will get pregnant – Tom was tested about a month ago and had no problems).

Our rollercoaster ride.

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I actually wrote this on a board where I have a few friends. I had NO idea at the time (obviously) that I was already pregnant…

So, before we got married we knew we didn’t want kids. Just plain didn’t want them. After we got married, we knew we didn’t want kids. Just plain didn’t want them. And we were both okay with that.

Fast forward to Tom being deployed and my grandfather dying two weeks later (so obviously he couldn’t be there). And my cousins (mainly Lisa and Lori) I were talking about how our parents (and their cousins) had really grown apart and we didn’t want that to happen to us and that turned into a discussion on having kids (some of my cousins have kids already) and I wouldn’t mind having a big family (I grew up with huge extended family)… and long story short, I decided I wanted kids. And after talking with Tom, and with him being deployed, yada yada yada, he decided he wanted kids. So we changed our mind and decided to have kids.

We decided to start trying in October 2005 (on our “honeymoon”) and just let nature take its course. I had no idea how long it would take, as I’d been on the pill for almost 10 years, then on Depo for probably four, then back on the pill for a year. My [step]sister got pregnant the month after stopping the pill. A friend got pregnant within a year after going off Depo (supposedly it can take up to two). Other people I talked to said it took anywhere from a month to a year.

The second month, I honestly thought I was pregnant. I [thought I] was late (my cycle has always been very irregular), my breasts were very tender, and I just felt different. Except I wasn’t pregnant. Okay, no biggie, it’s only been two months. Then for the hell of it I tried the ovulation detectors… and I never once ovulated. WTF? Four months, five months, six months, seven months pass. We’re not desperate, but just frustrated. How can it be so hard to get pregnant? We had sex (almost) every day for a month…surely that would work. No. We had sex exactly when we were supposed to (like a two week period, since my cycles are screwy). No dice.

Eight months, nine months pass. Two neighbors had babies, two more got pregnant, and I find out an old friend (who up until now has said they were not having kids)…is pregnant—having gotten pregnant the first night they decided to try. Cue the sappy and/or depressing music. This is the first time I was actually depressed about it (not for long, but still depressed—and Angi, if and when you ever read this, do NOT feel bad! It was VERY short-lived!).

Ten months pass. A neighbor (who just had a baby in February) is now pregnant again after a month of trying. Even though my doc said not to worry until a year has passed, we decide to have hubby tested, just because it’s much easier to test him than me. And his swimmers are fine. So it’s either me and my dusty eggs…or it’s just taking longer than normal.

We are just now starting our eleventh month. Of course, during all this, we’ve known hubby will be deployed. First for a year, then six months, now a year or nine months. We’ve already gone through the rollercoaster of deciding to have a baby, not getting pregnant as quickly as we thought we would, then the thought of him being gone a year and me not wanting to do it all alone (so we stopped trying for a few weeks), to him getting switched back to six months and us going full-steam ahead with the baby-making, but now he’s back to being deployed for a year (or 9-10 months) and part of me says to stop trying because of course, NOW would be the time I got pregnant, when he was going to be gone the entire time. But, if things keep happening (or, rather, NOT happening) like they have been, why worry?

I’m not making myself crazy (even if it seems that way)… I am just getting frustrated. I know life is never easy, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I mean, as my girlfriend said, you spend your entire early adulthood trying NOT to get pregant and being told you can get pregnant at any time, but when it comes down to it, there are like three days you can get pregnant and it’s harder than you think.

I have no willpower anymore.

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So…the diet we started awhile back? Yeah, not so much. We did well for like three weeks (I think I had lost like 7#) and then I got really sick and didn’t eat for a week (lost another 6#) and then as soon as I got healthy, I ate and ate and ate. And started eating crap. And more crap. Of course, the 6# from being sick came back immediately, and then the 7# that I lost. Now add a few more pounds.

I need to get back on track. I am so far OFF the track I can’t even see the raceway. I hate this. What happened to all the willpower I had before to lose 60#? (Let’s just say I’m not at 60# anymore…although, to be honest, the only day I had lost 60# was actually the one day I hit my lowest weight. It was more like 50-55# overall.)

I thought it was going to be the worst day of the year…

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I thought today was going to be the worst day of the year. I mean, what woman looks forward to her annual exam? I try to be adult about it—I know it’s something that HAS to be done and I know I shouldn’t be nervous, but I just can’t help it. My blood pressure was higher than normal, and sitting there waiting in the exam room in nothing but thin paper sheets, my hands were sweating like crazy. I wasn’t thrilled about my doctor, either—I don’t have a problem with male doctors for this exam, but I had seen him before on other occasions and I have to say I wasn’t overly thrilled with him—especially when there’s a female doctor there THAT I LOVE. But, as it was, I had to wait a month just to get this appointment, so I didn’t want to be particularly choosy.

I was getting myself all worked up while at the same time trying to calm myself down and think logically about the situation (no matter how bad it really is, it will be over in less than two minutes). So…imagine my surprise and total delight when the door opened…and it was my favorite doc!!! I was instantly a bit more at ease and we all joked about how nervous and sweaty I was and it was a little better. And, as luck would have it, the exam went very well and it was over just about before it began! Of course there was a bit of discomfort, but nothing like I had experienced before or had anticipated! She even said that she had gotten compliments before on how great her exams were! So, I am definitely requesting her from now on!!!

Body Makeover Update

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Although meals at work went smashingly well, dinner was not enticing at all. AT ALL. Disheartening, if I was to pick a word. Fried potatoes, onions, and mushrooms SOUNDED good, but with no oil, salt, or butter, it was just BLAH (and I came to realize I don’t like fresh mushrooms AT ALL in that context). And the cooked broccoli was even worse—I couldn’t even eat it (granted, it was from frozen and not fresh, but still). It was one of those meals where in a normal world, you would eat, then 30 minutes later you’re prowling for something else to eat because you weren’t satisfied. The best part of the evening was the half of banana I had for my PM snack.

I know we still have more experimenting to do and recipes to try, but suffice it to say that overall I am disappointed thus far. And we’re already through one $14 bag of chicken and we’re only on Day 2. Hoo boy.

I will make it through the first week, then I will be adding SOME salt and SOME oil, otherwise this diet is DONE. I never thought food would be THIS unappetizing without the addition of some seasonings (okay, salt and fat). We have red pepper flakes and lemon juice and garlic powder and cumin and pepper and all that…but THEY’RE NOT SALT. Tom is picking up some salt substitute tonight, so hopefully that will change my perspective.

There is good news, though…I lost 2#. I know it’s mostly water, but still. It’s nice to see 2# less on the scale.

It’s the principle

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So I went to pick up my birth control pills today (the new Seasonale three-month pack), expecting a $27 co-pay like last time ($9/month). Except this time, it’s $36. Huh? The pharmacist said that Tricare only covers THREE months of pills (30 pills/month for 90 total pills) so they have to charge me for four months since there are 91 pills. I am not kidding. I am being charged $9 for (basically) the sugar pills—or, actually, one of the seven sugar pills. This has to be a new thing since two months ago they weren’t doing this (and of course, the stupid pharmicist wouldn’t let me get a year’s worth at one time like I wanted). But this is truly ASININE. So now I have to call Tricare to see what the hell is up and if there’s any way around it (other than going to month-at-a-time pills instead of the three-month-at-a-time pills). I hate this. I hate being annoying with Tricare since they just paid $4000 for my surgery. And I know it’s only $9, but it’s the principle of the thing. Stay tuned.

Losing my mind.

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So it’s 11 on a Friday night and what do you think I’m contemplating doing? Going to Walmart. Can you believe it?!? I think I’m losing my mind! I’m not super tired plus I haven’t been there in ages plus I’m hoping it wouldn’t be that busy this time of night… but do I really want to go out?? It would save a trip into town later this weekend, since I could in essence get everything I want in one place… but do I NEED to go? Not really. I will need to go to town sooner or later since I actually do need bread and eggs and cream…and I generally run my errands on the weekend so I don’t have to stay in town after work. But I’ve been hmmming and hawing for 20 minutes now as to whether or not I should actually go…thinking the trip will take an hour at the minimum (20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, plus at least 20 minutes to shop—but probably more) and do I really want to go out at 11? (Geez, it sounds like I’m 80 years old!) Part of me wants to go just to DO something, since I rarely do anything on the weekends anymore. (I know, I know…I’ve wanted my weekends off for three years and now that I have them off I don’t do anything! I will, though, when Tom gets home! I promise!) But part of me, even though I’m not that tired, just wants to crawl into bed and channel-flip. But I know if I don’t go now I won’t go at all—Walmart is NOT a place to go on a weekend afternoon… So now it’s 11:21 and I definitely could have been there by now. So it looks like I’ve procrastinated long enough that I won’t be going. And so goes my typical boring Friday night… LOL

Support hose are evil!

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As I’m sure most women will agree, one of the most uncomfortable things we have to wear is pantyhose. Now, just imagine (if you will) the need to wear support hose. And we’re not just talking the suck-in-your-gut-and-smooth-out-your-cellulite variety, but the actual medically-necessary support hose…which are like support hose to the Nth degree. Otherwise known as the type I am supposed to wear.

Now, if you will, imagine wearing a pair of these support hose…and imagine that they are just a bit too small for you. So they pull. And they rub. And they chafe. And what ever else they’re doing (or not doing) under there that I can’t even begin to describe—other than to say it’s actually almost PAINFUL. Let me just say the grass is NOT greener… Before, I was whining about my other pair that was a tad too big so they constantly gathered at the knees ALL DAY LONG and I spent all day pulling them up. But at least those aren’t painful.

So I have been suffering with these since 7am and I am seriously ready to peel them off, doctors orders be damned… except I have dinner plans tonight and am stuck in town (and in public!) until probably 8pm…and I don’t think I want to go stockingless in a dress and boots…although, honestly, it’s sounding VERY tempting!

What exactly are weekends for?

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It seems all I do all week is look forward to the weekend…and then the weekend gets here and what do I do? Nothing exciting, that’s for damn sure. So far, I’ve done three loads of laundry, watched some Tivo, cleaned up the bathroom (i.e. not a full clean, more like a move stuff around, dust, and throw old things away clean), cleaned off the bedroom dresser—and there’s still so much to be done!

I don’t like these kinds of weekends, but there’s not much else to do since Tom is gone and all our friends have moved… I usually feel like I should run to town on the weekends (since I don’t go during the week because I hate getting home that late), but if I go to town, I just end up spending money I don’t need to spend on crap I don’t really need. But if I stay home the entire weekend, I feel like a bump on a log. I am going out tomorrow for a baby shower/housewarming, but it still doesn’t feel like much. I think I need a life. Or just maybe having Tom home again?! šŸ™‚

Playing Catch-Up

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What does my weekend consist of after having been on vacation for a week and coming home to outpatient surgery (I had a varicose vein removed from my leg)??? Laundry, laundry, and more laundry—I am currently on load 2 of 9! I guess I should throw in some cleaning, as well.

FYI: Temperature update? A brisk 37 degrees! It was 21 this morning! Brrrrrr!