I know this will get easier.

I’m still hearing the phantom click clack of Maggie walking around. And hearing phantom scratches at the sliding door.

I still expect to see her laying in the sun on the couch and I still try to throw food scraps to her.

I look for her when I’m preparing to sit on the couch and I expect to see her under my feet.

Every random noise in the house is now never her.

Some moments are easy. Some are getting easier. And some are still unbelievably hard.

Cue random tears.

Katie was emptying the dishwasher and putting away pet spoons and bowls. We discussed what to do with them. (We are keeping some pet stuff JUST IN CASE but also getting rid of some things.)

I was fine.

She asked about some of Maggie’s toys. I said we still had to sort through them but would likely give most away.

I was fine.

She asked about the collars. I said we’d probably get rid of them. And then she handed them to me.

I was not fine.

Well, tonight sucked for sure.

We had Anna and Dave and kids over for dinner to help our house not feel so empty and quiet and to try and take our minds off things. And it helped for sure.

But when it was bedtime, and the activity of the day calmed down and their minds were free to wander, all the emotions came screaming back to the surface.

Poor Katie was sobbing and wanted to sleep with us. I felt a little cold (and guilty) saying no, but honestly I desperately needed my own sleep and wouldn’t have been able to at all with her in the bed. So we let her cuddle for a bit and then sleep on the floor next to us which she was happy with.

I did take Tylenol PM so I’d hopefully get a decent night’s sleep…and I know it will get easier…but for now it seems impossible she’s really gone.

Goodbye sweet girl, we love you.

We’re never ready. And it is unbelievable. The day we bring them home the first time… THIS day feels forever away. Until one day, it’s a day away. It seems impossible. —from my dear friend Kelly

Cuddling with the boys…

I’m so glad we opted to do this at home with Lap of Love Veterinary Hospice. Maggie deserved to be in her own home surrounded by her favorite people being showered with all our love and kisses. It was the kids’ first in-person experience with pet death and it was so very hard but, we thought, necessary.

The vet, Dr. Kylie, was amazing. She was loving and gentle and patient and kind. She gave us privacy to say our goodbyes and made a paw print for us.

Goodbye, sweet girl. We love you more than you could ever know.

We wrapped her and sent her off in one of her blankets.

Tom chose to carry her to the vet’s car.

And then we all cried some more and tried to parse that Maggie was really gone…the house just seemed so quiet and empty.

It’s honestly a blur (writing this 9 days after the fact). I don’t remember what we all did. But I do know that Owen had to get ready to get braces later in the day — I had asked if he wanted to reschedule and he said no.

Maggie’s final night.

In one of her (and my) favorite spots.

And Tom saying a final goodnight to his girl. I cannot look at these pics without crying.

Katie and I decided to sleep downstairs so we could be with Maggie and take care of her. I didn’t want her to try and jump off our bed during the night and I knew I’d have to help her go outside.

We were up every hour because she wanted to drink. Every other hour she needed/wanted to go outside so I walked her down the steps.

This is where she slept — on me — most of the night. Completely unusual. It’s like she knew something was different.

4:07am
4:42am

It’s time to say goodbye to Maggie.

Adulting sucks.

Today we had to make the hardest decision a pet owner has to make. And now the hardest part is waiting until it’s actually time.

Hug your pets and give them a scritch for us.

Maggie seemed normal first this morning and then BAM—she could no longer stand or walk—and didn’t even want a treat.

Tom and I called probably six at-home euthanasia vets and apparently pets just aren’t supposed to die on Sundays because nothing is open or available—so it’s tomorrow morning. (Emergency clinics are open but we don’t want to take her somewhere new and strange.) But it will be at home and all four of us will be here because it’s a holiday so there’s no work or school.

Owen comforting Katie.

Of course as the day progresses we’re second-guessing the decision because she seems a little better…but the old girl is 16—already 4+ years past the typical life span of a Boston Terrier—or 80 in human years. She’s been having a lot of old age issues for about a year now, so we want to do this before something extreme and/or potentially painful happens.

I know she loves sitting in the sun so I took her outside for a bit—wrapped up, of course, because even though it’s 47° today it’s super windy. Her little nose was happily sniffing the whole time.

I’m exhausted from crying but making memories sitting and cuddling with her all day. So until further notice I’m a sobbing human pillow for my old girl.

Aaaand now Katie has it.

She woke me up at 4am to say she puked in the bathroom sink. But at least she made it to the sink instead of in her bed! Small favors! (Well, except I had to clean vomit out of the sink. And it smelled eerily similar to Owen’s vile mess.)

She crashed on the couch because she says her bed is uncomfortable. I know she just wants to be by me so she can talk to someone when she wants. This morning it was 100 questions: How did you clean the sink? What time is dad going to be home? Why can’t I eat regular food? How many times did Owen throw up? What if I can’t eat or drink all day? What happens? Who was that text from? Can I drink some water? What’s Maggie doing?

OMGGGGGGG PLEASE GO TO SLEEP AND REST!! Compared to Owen who slept silently in his room all day.

Maggie wanted to be with her. I know, awwwwww.

But wow oh wow was she moany and whimpery all day. It was very disconcerting. I’m guessing she’s just not familiar with any kind of pain so it’s all overwhelming. I mean, she sounds about like how I felt when in the throws of my gall bladder issue but I know that’s not her issue.

Aaaand in a complete 180 from how the middle school handled things…apparently Katie needs a Covid test TODAY according to health department guidelines. What? Why would it be different than MS? The nurse had no idea, it shouldn’t be. Katie wouldn’t even be allowed back in the building to even do a test on Tuesday (no school Monday) because they don’t know if she’s negative or positive. And it has to be a lab-based negative test to come back. GRRR. I know this is protocol but shit like this makes me want to have lied and tell them Katie is taking a mental health day. She has a stomach bug like we all did. It’s not Covid. So then I had to figure out where to get her tested—and not wanting to take her today because she’s really sick.

And that was even a process (of course) because I tried to register for testing at the local community college and it said my number was already in use so I tried for like 10 minutes to reset my password with no luck. I called and they were really nice and helpful and got me set up. Turns out my number was already tied to both kids for their school shield testing.

And then I had to call the assistant superintendent’s office to try and get clarification on why buildings handle things differently and leave feedback on the whole process. But of course had to leave a message.

So Katie is whimpering away, tossing and turning, her back hurts (but she refuses to lay flat and stays crunched up in a ball), she’s afraid to drink because she doesn’t want to throw up, nothing sounds good to her. So I tell Tom it’s his turn to come sit with her (he had a half day today so he was home resting because he’s still not at 100%) and he comes downstairs and she immediately asks him if she can watch a movie and get a drink of water and I’m thinking what the hell girl like two minutes ago and for the past two hours you’ve been a mess the whole time but dad walks in and now you’re normal? Of course.

And then this happened. We actually had to move her so she didn’t fall off.

So it’s been a day.

SuperBowl Feast

We love our local Hawaiian food truck so much that we splurged and got their SuperBowl Platter (meant for 6-8 people) even though we are just 4 people. (Oh darn, we’ll have leftovers.)

So tonight was hush puppies with remoulade, coconut shrimp with orange mustard marmalade, poke nachos, mochiko chicken, and Asian slaw and spam musabi (not pictured). It was all DIVINE.

And if that wasn’t enough, Anna had decided to make Doubles, a traditional Trinidadian sandwich that David hadn’t had in years. (It’s curried chickpeas and cucumber chutney on fried bread.) Those were yummy, too!

And then it was off to the couch to finish watching the big game (or, rather, the commercials). The dogs enjoyed it, too.

It was a school night so we headed home early, totally stuffed but already looking forward to Hawaiian leftovers!

#MeetMyDogChallenge

Hello!
My name is: Maggie
My nicknames are: Maggers, Peanut, Stink butt
My breed is: Boston Terrier
My age is: 16
My favorite food: Steak
My biggest fear: rain and storms
My favorite thing to do: sleep (I’m old)
My favorite toy: I don’t do toys anymore (I’m old) but maybe a monkey arm now and again
Do I love car rides? Yes because I get wrapped in a blanket in Mom’s lap
Do I snore? YES!
Where do I sleep? Wherever I want because I’m old. Mostly with Mom and Dad.